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<\/a><\/p>\nWhat a lovely evening I enjoyed on this park bench waiting for my daughter while she rehearsed for tech week in\u00a0Alabama Dance Theater’s production of Dracula<\/a>.\u00a0 Several conversations ended up taking place here that led to my inspiration to write this particular blog.<\/p>\n One lovely talk with a mom revolved around our experience with\u00a0ADT<\/a>.\u00a0 I pointed out how impressed I was with their encouragement that it wasn’t too late for my pre-teen\u00a0 daughter to start ballet classes with them.\u00a0 In fact one of the administrator of ADT\u00a0 pointed out to me that it was ideal because she was now motivated (unlike when she was 4 years of age and dropped out of the community ballet class in Potomac, Maryland.)<\/p>\n I continued rambling on about how grateful I felt that her teacher encouraged my daughter to audition for\u00a0Dracula and Mistletoe<\/a>.\u00a0 I envisioned my tween being rejected as her dancing ability is far below from the impressive dance company girls and professionals who will perform the lead roles.\u00a0 \u00a0Little did I think my Ballet I student would land a part as a Gypsy Villager which requires more acting than advanced ballet skills.<\/p>\n We chatted on about how great it is for our daughters to have such encouragement and experience.\u00a0 So, I was surprised to listen to an upset dancer on the ride home.\u00a0 Here some of her little or rather younger “Gypsy Children” that she works with sassed and mocked her for only being in Ballet I.<\/p>\n My first approach was to discuss how disrespectful our culture has become.\u00a0 I pointed out what kind of humor dominates the most beloved cable children’s networks.\u00a0 Then I pointed out that these children are much younger and therefore more immature than she.\u00a0 It is childish behavior that is being exhibited and rendered at her expense.\u00a0 I think this is why the expression\u00a0“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me.”<\/a> has been repeated so much over generations.\u00a0 Children can and often behave very meanly towards one another.\u00a0 Especially when they are hurting and it makes them feel better about themselves when they put another child down.<\/p>\n These two points nudged my daughter a little towards extending forgiveness and compassion towards her disrespectful gypsy children.\u00a0 But still her wounds gaped open with pain.\u00a0 I had to step into the “Mama Rojo” role from\u00a0Rojo, The Baby Red Panda at the Zoo<\/a>.\u00a0 I needed to strengthen the identity in my own child.\u00a0 It had been insulted and it must be restored.\u00a0 There’s something else that needed to be done.\u00a0 I had to acknowledge that it is wrong how these children behaved towards her.\u00a0 This is why\u00a0Ruby Redfords poem<\/a>, that clearly states that words can<\/em> also hurt me<\/em> might be a more useful and timely poem for us to recite to our children.<\/p>\n Too often we are afraid to call out inappropriate behavior.\u00a0 Would it be because we’re afraid of being called a “Tattle Tale?”\u00a0 First, I put it on her that she needed to go to one of the adults helping with the production.\u00a0 Then it dawned on me… she came to me.\u00a0 I’m an adult.\u00a0 Do I have the courage to write about this in a blog and figure out a graceful way to handle this?\u00a0 Well obviously, you’re reading what I decided to do.<\/p>\n In no way am I trying to pick on the children out who are mocking my daughter.\u00a0 But I am capitalizing on using it as an example in order to encourage other parents out there who are reading this on what we can do in this age of out of control bullying and narcissistic culture.\u00a0 So what?<\/p>\n There’s a plethora of discussion regarding the various types of\u00a0abuse<\/a>.\u00a0 What I have come to believe is that emotional abuse, in particularly\u00a0covert emotional abuse<\/a>,\u00a0is the most damaging.\u00a0 Many support this idea in the current blog world, but it wasn’t until last week that I realized why.<\/p>\n It is all about getting the right diagnosis first in order to prescribe state of the art treatment.\u00a0 \u00a0It is well established that forgiveness is one of the key remedies for one to recover from a traumatic experience.\u00a0 But one cannot forgive something if it’s never identified (covert) as being inappropriate behavior exhibited towards you.\u00a0 At least in physical abuse the evidence is obvious it is not hidden and denied.\u00a0 Likewise you can’t say, “no more” if the behaviors is mislabeled under the guise of love, care, or fun which abusers are masters at doing.\u00a0 This is the first enlightening thought that came to me.\u00a0 Re-establishing healthy relational boundaries is the other key ingredient to bouncing back from a negative situation.<\/p>\n If you consider the initial approach I took with my daughter I almost excused the behavior and turned the bullies into the victims, “Oh they must not feel good about themselves because of xyz.”\u00a0 That might be true, but there’s a lot more that needs to be acknowledged.\u00a0 While it may not be polite, appropriate, or much less needed to point out others flaws and weaknesses (which we all have), this should not be confused with speaking up for oneself when personal respect boundaries have been violated.\u00a0 It needs to be called out for what it is: hurtful.\u00a0 Anything that hurts another person’s identity is wrong.<\/p>\n The idea of\u00a0 the need for strong healthy boundaries comes in with the other conversation I had on that park bench.\u00a0 Most of the summer I passed by this exact spot with some fantastic parents of the orphan cast of\u00a0Annie<\/a>.\u00a0 One of whom helped me to see that my latest author visit invitation (which I’ve not had since May) may not be in my best interest and really an unusual draw for them to attract people to come to their event who very well may not.<\/p>\n As much as I’d like to believe that people would flock to this particular venue because I was scheduled to be there, I’ve been at this long enough to know that most people don’t come to hear a lesser known author whether they’re local or not.\u00a0 They might come to hear\u00a0Brad Meltzner<\/a>\u00a0like my daughter and I did in Miami a few years ago, but even he only gets 30-50 people to show.\u00a0 At least that’s what I experienced reading\u00a0 all around South Florida with the Read to Learn Books for Free Program.<\/p>\n https:\/\/www.miamibookfair.com\/readtolearn\/<\/a><\/p>\n Back to the park bench.\u00a0 What I learned reading my emails was that my Annie orphan mom friend was right.\u00a0 This author visit invitation was not at a good time.\u00a0 I had expressed from the beginning that my daughter was scheduled for tech week prior to 4 performances the weekend they wanted to host me and it wasn’t a good time for me.\u00a0 However, I reluctantly agreed because the owner insisted on November 3, 2108 and I had been feeling desperate for an opportunity to publicly read, sell, and sign my book.\u00a0 I needed better boundaries and respect of my own family schedule.\u00a0 Do you want to guess what the answer was when I offered to reschedule for one of their December venues?\u00a0 Yup, “We’re sorry that won’t work.”\u00a0 Did it hurt?\u00a0 Yes, but not nearly as much as it would have if I hadn’t learned what I’m writing about.\u00a0 And perhaps I created this rejection because of how long I took in finally mustering the courage to request rescheduling.<\/p>\n I don’t need to sell myself short in the hopes of an opportunity that probably isn’t going to come.\u00a0 Folks may be going to the venue this weekend, but they’ll most likely choose to be entertained at the many other fun activities rather than slow and quiet down to hear a book read.\u00a0 Watching pumpkins fired away and smashed into the field is what they’re going for.\u00a0 And they most likely are going to spend their money on the admission fee and food, not my book.\u00a0 It’s just reality which is why I groan anytime an excited individual has a story in mind that\u00a0 want my advice on how to get published.\u00a0 It’s really hard to get people to buy books these days, but its not to self-publish.\u00a0 Most consumers would either rather push electronic buttons or they are already overwhelmed with stuff and don’t need to find space on their home to store another product.<\/p>\n So what does this story about me and the cancellation of the author visit have to do with my point?\u00a0 I was not<\/strong><\/em> taught how to say, “no” as I child.\u00a0 Rather I was taught to be co-dependent people pleaser<\/em>.\u00a0 Worse was I had created a deep seated value that I was honoring God in the name of loving others because of this teaching and inappropriate interpretation of Bible verses like\u00a0I Corinithians 9:19-23<\/a>.\u00a0 I had confused Paul’s teaching that meant we should work hard to respect other’s differences so that we can to relate to them in their cultural\/economic\/sexual\/racial context. It does not mean to\u00a0 become a door mat to be abused.<\/p>\n I have also come to learn in my own odyssey of emotional healing and personal growth that healthy boundaries need to be taught to our youngsters as they are growing up.\u00a0 We need to applaud them when they do it and gently correct their childish self-preserving response to do so in a respectful way.\u00a0 Otherwise the natural reaction is to fight back which too often escalates the problem.\u00a0 Then the kids get hung up on taking justice into their own hands.<\/p>\n One of the greatest and prevalent themes in the first 39 books of the Bible that consist of the Jewish Pentateuch, Prophets,\u00a0 Psalms, Proverbs, and other poetry that Jesus affirmed to be worthy of study and teaching is that God will avenge his enemies.\u00a0 \u00a0It is to a believers honor to entrust that God will execute justice appropriately at the best time.\u00a0 It is not for us to demand now.\u00a0<\/em> <\/strong>Rather like Joseph (of which Dream Works produced\u00a0Joseph King of Dreams<\/a>) we can rise above negative experiences by trusting that they may be used to cultivate in each opportunities to grow and to mature in order to become a better blessing to others in the future.\u00a0 That’s why Joseph in\u00a0Genesis 50:19-21<\/a>\u00a0assured his brothers that he would not repay their wickedness with punishment but rather he would continue to preserve their lives and many others.<\/p>\n Children have an innate pre-occupation with justice don’t they?\u00a0 We hear them cry out, “It’s not fair!” Perhaps they need to be inspired by what I just said in order to let it go.\u00a0 Otherwise if they hang on to the injustice it can fester to an emotional point that turns out to hurt themselves much worse than the original problem or offense.<\/p>\n We need to as parents, teachers, leaders and therapists to listen to our children or patients to guide them into healing ways that will restore their damaged identity.\u00a0 Had I been feeling better about myself (respect), my book, writing,\u00a0 and known how to set better boundaries, I would have stayed firm and declined the November 3rd invitation from the start.\u00a0 That would have saved me the turmoil I went through every night of knowing it was too much, but not wanting to let go of the possibility that I might get my name out there, sells some books, and secure more author visits.\u00a0 Likewise it would have save the owner and manager the aggravation about planning on having me and then my canceling.<\/p>\n So what is taught is very important because it leads to our values and ability to respond appropriately.\u00a0 This is what brings me to reformation leader,\u00a0 Martin Luther.<\/p>\n Martin Luther<\/a>\u00a0was very much concerned about the teachings that were going on in 1517 that affect his parishioners’ identities.\u00a0 And he choose\u00a0October 31st<\/a>\u00a0to set some boundaries about it making it know as\u00a0Reformation Day<\/a>\u00a0.\u00a0 I happen to share Peter Smith’s (his article is the link in green above) speculation about as to why Martin Luther choose this day.<\/p>\n The very phrase “Trick or Treating” implies manipulative bullying from a very selfish and rude stand point.\u00a0 It feeds and grooms entitlement thinking.\u00a0 (And then we wonder why it is so prevalent.)<\/p>\n So this October 31st my family will read more about Martin Luther’s brave move to take on Johann Tetzel’s manipulative message that bullied the common people of that day in the name of God, their deceased loved ones, and the church of the day .\u00a0 And then discuss how we might better believe that whether you are big or small, black or white, you matter because God made you with dignity, honor, and purpose that is redeemed through one very popular historic individual who lived an amazing life and died in the place of your shortcomings, weakness, failures, and vulnerabilities.\u00a0 He was called a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief because he took on all that pain that we struggle with in order to free us from how it binds us up to think poorly of ourselves and to succumb to believing unkind words about ourselves, to take personally disrespectful treatment, tolerate abusive working conditions, and therefore limp through life with depression and anxiety.\u00a0 So what will you celebrate this day?\u00a0 Happy October 31st the last day of National Bully Prevention Month!<\/p>\n #Anti-bullying #Bullyproof #BullyPreventionMonth #abuse #covertemotionalabuse #emotionalboundaries #Healing #Depression #Anxiety #peoplepleaser #co-dependent\u00a0 #recovery<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" by Hope Mucklow *Right click on words in green font to open a link in another tab to more information about it.\u00a0 A left click will open the link and take you away from this tab. What a lovely evening I enjoyed on this park bench waiting for my daughter while she rehearsed for tech … Continue reading October 31st: What Holiday Do You Celebrate? Last Day of Bully Prevention Month, Reformation Day, or Halloween?<\/span> <\/a><\/p>\n<\/a><\/p>\n